in the confessional

Well, it's been a while. Eight weeks since my last entry to be exact. Before you judge me for my lack of commitment to my blog, let me give you a real reason to judge.

I messed up.

Over the past few months I've let some things come between my relationship with God. And so I've been quiet. A little known fact about me is I get real quiet when stuff isn't going as it should. Or maybe it's a well known fact; who knows. It's not that I'm hiding per se. I just prefer to keep my struggles to myself.

Of course I'm not going to confess my sins to you all. But I do have a list--albeit, a random list--of things I've learned from all of this. So I thought I'd share.

1. God doesn't change. You're either going to live for Him or you're not. But His standards will not change
2. Never look down on others for their shortcomings. You don't know when their shortcoming might become your shortcoming
3. All play and no church makes for an angry me
4. As a believer, never be so self-righteous that you won't consider the perspective of a non-believer. I had a self-professed non-believer point out how my anger contradicted my so-called Christianity (this one still stings just thinking about it. ouch!)
5. The decisions you make will affect others around you
6. Hebrews 4:12. Read it for yourself when you get a chance. But I'll say this; normally I can't remember scriptures to save my life. My memory is despicable. But as soon as I start getting off the right path, scriptures begin to flood my mind. Call me crazy, but I believe this is God's way of telling me He's not willing to let go of me so easily
7. Faith and religion aren't just about living holy and going to church. Faith means putting total trust in God. I'll be real, this is a challenge for me
8. If God has a test of faith for you to pass, you will not get anywhere until the test is done. Period.
9. When I get frustrated with God for not moving as quickly as I think He should, I now remember all the ways He's blessed me. This promptly turns my wining into thanking
10. That moment when you realize you love God more than anything and anyone

free!

Yesterday I attended the CD release concert for one of the most talented and gifted women of whom I have the pleasure of being acquainted.

As if I didn't know MarQuita Danzy was anointed already, I was blown away when in the middle of yesterday's event, it dawned on me, "This isn't at all a concert. This is worship!"

Never mind the fact her voice is amazing (I've already pre-booked her for my wedding by the way), MarQuita has the ability to minister to me on a deeply personal level every time I hear her preach, speak, or sing. Yesterday's experience was no different.

The album is greatness; I had no doubt that it would be. But I'm torn between two songs as my favorite. First there's "Surprise! I'm Still Alive" where she boldly taunts the devil saying, "Surprise! I'm STILL alive!" Lord knows I've had my share of run ins with the devil where he has tried to throw me off course and cause me to abort my relationship with God. A few times he had me down, but Surprise! I'm still here!

Then there's the title track "Free." I'm not a dancer by any means (in church or in the club), but this song makes me wanna cut a two step (for the Lord of course).

Check out MarQuita's album when you get a chance. It won't disappoint.

asking for help

As Hurricane Sandy made her way through our area yesterday, I found myself home from work and catching up on some much needed reading. Around 2 this morning I stumbled upon this site (that I now love) called Clutch magazine.

One of yesterday's articles dealt with a subject I found very relevant to my relationship with God: Asking for help! I'm definitely a student from the school of "create your own opportunities" and "do it yourself if you want it done right." That's why portions of this article rang true to me.

In one excerpt, the writer says, "Whether I’m doing a crossword puzzle or weathering an emotional storm, I’ll handle it on my own, thankyouverymuch." I got a nice little chuckle about this until the writer then pointed out the reasons people choose not to ask for help. One of them being the shame and vulnerability that comes with admitting help is needed. Another being not wanting to appear weak. Suddenly the article wasn't so funny anymore.

As it went on to list 5 reasons it's important to ask for help, I found each one to be directly applicable to seeking God for help.

Personally, there are times when I struggle with the basic, every day living of this life as a Christian. As much as I am spiritual, I am still human and therefore prone to emotions, desires, and feelings that, quite frankly, run counter to having a right relationship with God. It's at these times where I've found myself saying,"Lord, I need help."

When I reached this point for the first time it was both scary and liberating. Scary because of the reason mentioned above. The vulnerability of it all had me on edge and I felt weak needing help for something so basic. But then I felt liberated when the Lord caused me to remember this is what He's there for! He's such a loving and caring God and He wants to help! I then got excited by the fact I could go to the Lord of Lords, the king of kings and simply say, "Help, please."

Below is the list of 5 reasons it's important to ask for help. I found each one to be a healthy reminder of why it's especially important to seek God in times of need.

1. Because it takes a strong person to admit you need help

2. Asking for help strengthens your relationships

3. No one can get through life on their own

4. There might be a simple solution for your complicated problem

5. If we can all be a little more open and honest, the world will be a better place.

Check out the full article here 

tuesday's testimony

My friends at church often laugh at me because I’m always a day late and a dollar short when it comes to Gospel music. Let’s just say by the time I get "put on" everyone else has moved on.

With that said, I have a new song that's in heavy rotation in my Gospel playlist: Vashawn Mitchell's My Worship is For Real. As I listened to the song for the first time, the words, "I've been through too much not to worship him," immediately began to resonate deep within me. Although "I've been through too much" sounds like something negative, it was the positive that nearly had me in tears smack in the middle of a work day.

See, since I got saved I've seen the Lord do some amazing things in my life. Here’s one:

Two years ago I left my employer because the environment was unbearably toxic. While I was out of work the Lord proved himself to be a provider by creating means for me to work as a freelance reporter. Not only was I blessed with income but I was blessed with tremendous exposure. My interviewees consisted of an ex NFL player,  Miss New Jersey, the mayor of Oklahoma City, and a real life character from the film the Social Network. The latter interview made it all the way to CNN.com!

As I sought full-time employment, the Lord favored me again. The week I received an offer for full-time work, my part-time employer not only counter offered with a full-time position, but with a much higher pay. I accepted the counter offer; but I should also mention that in that very same week I had to turn down a third position. Oh, and by the end of that same week, the gentleman whom I did freelance reporting for randomly decided to give me a raise! All this, at the height of an economic/employment crisis. If I didn't believe there was a God before then ...

Even this year I found myself in the position of having to turn down two more job opportunities. For one of them, I prayed to the Lord for guidance as to what move to make because there were indeed many pros to consider. If you're someone who doubts the power of prayer, take it from me IT WORKS. As I prayed, I heard the Lord speak to me clear as day and the answer was this: "if you trust me and stay where you are, I promise I will make you flourish."

Within just a few months, the opportunities, projects, and successes that have come my way have been nothing short of amazing. And not without notice -- aside from several thank you notes from the company president for one project, and congratulations from the senior veep for another, my team recently nominated me for the company’s highest award.

I say all of that to say this. First of all, I give all the praises to Jesus for this testimony. I know it’s no one but Him because I am not searching for these opportunities. Instead, they are finding me. Secondly, to sit back and watch the Lord work on my behalf and to create space for me to shine leaves me speechless and overwhelmingly grateful. So my Tuesday Testimony is that I’ve been through too much, I’ve seen too much, I’ve experienced too much NOT to worship the Lord. Truly, my worship is for real.

grace and mercy

Have you ever talked bad about someone behind their back and then felt guilty because they turned around and did something nice for you? I'm sure I'm not the only one. I've had this happen and I must say it sucks. You want to accept the nice thing (and most of the time you do) but you feel like a scumbag because of what you said about the person the day before.

In an earlier blog post I talked about my anger towards God for taking too long to send a particular blessing I've been waiting on. And how does He respond?

Yesterday I found out that after just a year and a half of being at my job, I've been nominated for a major award. This award comes with recognition by the company's senior leaders, admiration from your peers who nominate you...oh, and a pretty piece of paper that says "this is 'how much' we recognize and admire you." Needless to say, I'm honored and excited, but as I said it's hard not to feel like a scumbag.

But God (smh!)--with His endless love--quietly reminded me of something this morning: His grace and mercy will NEVER run out.

There's a song by Lonnie Hunter that I love. In the beginning of the song Lonnie defines grace and mercy as this: grace is when you get more than you deserve, mercy is when you don't get exactly what you do deserve. So in other words, by receiving this nomination the Lord just hit me with a double whammy of grace AND mercy.

I also love the song's chorus which says, "I don't deserve it, so unworthy, but you bless me anyway." I don't know how or why He does it, but I know it's appropriate to say thanks.

THANK YOU JESUS

Signed,
Scumbag

mustard seed faith

When I started this blog and said that I would share the joys and struggles of living saved, I don't think I realized how difficult the latter would be. But then again it shouldn't come as much of a shock. I'm a very private person (almost to the point of schizophrenia) so when it comes to letting others in on my "issues," two words: 

I Don't.

Certainly I'm not about to give the specifics of my current struggle, however the short of it is there's something I've been wanting for a while. With each passing day, my emotions about it range from "the Lord will make a way" to "Lord, I'm ready when you are" to "OK Lord, are you sure you're hearing me?"

Last week and this weekend in particular can be filed under "A-F" for "Angry and Frustrated." I'm angry with God for not doing what I told asked Him to do. And I'm frustrated because I don't see how in God's name (no pun intended) it's even possible that it will happen. (don't worry, I've repented for each of these thoughts)

As He often does when I'm at my lowest, the Lord reminded me of a scripture. Luke 17:6 speaks of having faith as a grain of mustard seed. Where I am in my relationship with God right now, it dawned on me that I'm surviving on mustard seed faith. Barely holding on to Jesus as I endure a painful lesson of what it truly means to trust Him; nevertheless, clinging to my salvation and His promises. 

And with that I'm encouraged; even when my faith is at it's lowest, the Lord honors it and lets me know that He is with me.

the saved life

When I talk to people about living a life for Christ, the term "saved" becomes inevitable. A common stereotype is that being saved lacks excitement and pleasure. Yes, it requires eliminating things that clearly aren't pleasing to God, but there's so much more to gain from having a relationship with Him.

Besides the future tense of being saved when the rapture occurs, I like to think of it in the present tense. For me, one of the greatest benefits is being rescued from the worries of this present time.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is found in Matthew Chapter 6:
v. 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
v. 32 (For all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
v. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Verse 33 is often quoted in church and has helped me tremendously on this journey. I can say with confidence that seeking God before all else leads to a life in which all my needs are met. But He also gives "extra" which I like to call the perks. To name a few: peace of mind, joy in being just who He made me to be, and casting all my cares, doubts, and fears upon Him that he may direct my paths.

As far as the tangible perks, by putting Him first I've seen His power and his favor work mightily on my behalf; in my career, my finances, and other situations that I know were only made possible because of the Lord Jesus Christ.

So being saved is not just about what’s to come. There are immediate benefits to tap into right here, right now.